I haven't felt this in a while.
Feeling absolutely lost, no where to go, a wall blocking my way.
Before anything, Fear comes first, trying to get me while I'm panting like a pathetic swimmer.
Drowning but trying to live. Running when I'm supposed to be swimming.
No matter how fast I try to move, every step is another stone that gets in my way.
What will "one more breath, one more breath" exactly do? please tell me.
Limitation, hopelessness, disappointment and self-loathing.
I really haven't felt this in a while.
Everything means nothing.
And this scares me.

Sixteenth Diary

HOW TO FLY

-- a manual

A heart is where Dream lies its wings. With it, you are able to reach anywhere you wish to be. And with it you also obtain an advantage to fly. The only thing that matters, is that you believe in it. Believe in the truth that never sways deep in your heart.

Be aware that wings can make you fly, but it can make you fall too. But also remember that those paddles are in your hands. They are part of you.

So hold on to it, and use it well. Let the world know what is in your heart. Make them recognize your wings.

Then before you know it, you will be flying.


2007, June 8th

Fifteenth Diary

I am a crystalline world.
It is hard to blind me.
You see through me.
I allow you to see through me.
Is this opening up? Open mind?
You ask, where is the crack?
It's everywhere.
Memory floats in the air and bubbles above the hamlet in the sky.
Underneath the pebbles in the sea spread out slowly
the movement touches the surface of rocks that lay.
They are grey mixing black and white.
And everything else that is binary.
And I am yellow.
Love should not be forced.
Love is not a force that should be forced.
How should I break my story?


A diary I wrote in December.

Fourteenth Diary

The more I read stories and poetry I begin to find myself falling in love with literature and the beauty of it. I find myself conversating with characters I read. I find my head full of words floating around, flicking lights that turn me on. Each character and each word help me find something new about myself. I look into a pond, every time it reflects something  about someone I didn't know before. Beauty of literature lies in this fact, an inevitable truth, that every story is another journey to find oneself. Buy a ticket, it is your choice to ride. Who's with me?


From a diary I wrote in Korean a few years ago. Lets keep this flicking going!

Thirteenth Diary

After I quit my job at the Hotel, I have been trying very hard to stay rested. Here, the key word is "trying" because resting is not something I can do naturally. So while trying to rest, my mind has been busily occupied by thoughts and imaginations of a story, a long narrative that I am hoping to conceive in the future. Problems and troubles run in my mind because I simply have no guide, thus, no happy outcome. This has made me drop in at a Creative Writing class today that runs every monday instructed by a Poet, Victor Coleman and a Professor, Michael Boughn. They are two inspiring people who give me chances to stay engaged in literature, poetry and arts even after school. Every time I go in, I am surrounded by language that penetrates into the world of poetic endeavor, freeing me from all the restraints and anxiety I constantly inhale in my ordinary days. In this class, words of my peers and its atmosphere inspire me and somehow, without knowing what they mean I am able to indulge myself to the feel of the words. I concentrate on this idea of feeling and emotion a lot every time I talk or write because the power of feeling is like the power of air, something that we take for granted but their absence also means death, both physical and spiritual. By being with people who understand our humane thirst for poetry, stories and emotion in the lives of the contemporary, I am able to truly rest my head down and be thankful for the power of words and emotion that they bring to us inside.

This breath I take, this highly artsy-energy I take from this class is contagious and makes me want to write-- to save myself. More clearly, I wish to bring back some painful yet meaningful memories alive from my childhood and write about my parent's journey as immigrants. I have blogged about my parents when I quoted that they are the two brave warriors for making such a big decision, sacrificing their everything to come here for a better future. I wish to write to all the warriors who make decisions to migrate to another country and comfort them so that they know they are not alone. Like my parents felt once. It could be wrong to say that every pain can be cured, but it can be treated. The hardships and trauma that has led to happiness for my parents can be looked as something small and insignificant, but they also left many marks of sideburns and aftermath, which I wish to share with people who are willing to listen. I believe in the healing power of literature, that stories can move a human mind by allowing an emotional sensation to take place in the heart. Through this emotional rollarcoaster, we are bound to find ourselves in a much happier state, also able to find acceptance and contentment in the world we, once quite willingly created. And this is what I wish to save by writing my story.

I am thankful that I have mentors who are willing to guide me through this rollarcoaster ride. I am thankful that I have a goal, and that Victor and Leslie was sitting right there beside me, at Harbord House bar today at 9:00p.m. Leslie holding my hand, and Victor giving me hope to strive towards it. This is a life-long dream that I begin as an amateur, both in writing and life, but it's okay because I'm living it, and in my dictionary the word Living means Growing.

Twelfth Diary

I can let go of every anger, disappointment, flaw, fear and problem
when I imagine that today might be my last day to live here on earth.


This very thought gives me shivers.
And gives me a reason to simply let go.

It is okay.
I don't have to dwell.

Eleventh Diary

Because you're not alone

and I'm always there with you

and we'll get lost together

until the light comes pouring through

so when you feel like you're done

and the darkness has won

baby you're not lost

baby you're not lost

"Lost", Michael Buble

When you feel like you have noone to talk to, When light has been turn down and you have absolutely no guide to walk you through, When the path shows that you'll be walking through an uphill that neverends,There's no better time to begin loving.

Loving yourself, loving people that love you, and loving life that is yours.

I have confidence in me. Sometimes it is hard to recognize, but I feel it inside. I know that the time is here for me to endure, so that I will be better prepared to love myself better.

I needed a break from myself, but I learnt that there is no way that I will never escape from me. Who I am, what I feel inside do matter. What I am, what I am capable of doing, I know. 
I always looked for something that will give me the "confidence" to do what I wanted to do-- to become successful in school, work, and even in relationships. But more I looked for it, the more I got lost. The more I'm lost, I found myself losing literally everything-- myself and I.

From now on I will work on myself even harder. I will work on becoming generous towards who I am.  I will accept, and not fight against what I do, what I think and what I feel. And most importantly, I will work on making myself happy. I thought spending time away from people will help me feel better, but I realized that it will never work. I need that drive, motivation, inspiration from everything that I love. As vague as it sounds, love is everything and is everywhere. I just needed to accept and open my eyes to see it.

I will never run away.

Tenth Diary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BXsQAV5QWQ


Finally lyricsSongwriters: Ferguson, Stacy; Ridel, Stefanie; Legend, John;

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme, crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
When I would have to way, make so many mistakes

I couldn't comprehend as I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my maze has been solved

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening

Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

I remember the beginning you already knew
I acted like a fool, just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter, I just ran away
On another face, was lost in my own space

Found what it's like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me, afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the nets that I had made

Finally got out of my own way
I've finally started living for today
I finally know, I needed to grow
And finally know that it must be so

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening

Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him finally

Finally, finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something beautiful is happening, is happening

Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

Oh, finally, finally, finally

Ninth Diary

Maybe I'm really behind.
Or maybe people are just moving too fast.

Eighth Diary

There is some kiss
we want
with our whole lives

-Rumi-

Happy Valentine's Day!  Only if I was in Paris, in a small, warm and cozy restaurant with antique frames hanging on a wall, drinking a bottle of Chardonnay with my lover, (not to mention a little romantic gifts and flowers to share the zink) and of course, hopelessly in love. I would be able to celebrate this day a little more vibrantly. lol.

Listening to James Mraz's Bella Luna I feel like I'm in the mood but don't know what to do with it.

My friends tell me it's probably time that I start looking for someone, like actually, looking out the window to see if there's anyone waving hands at me. They are invisible to me, though, I don't know why but I see them, but I don't see them at the same time-- it's just so damn confusing. I guess I just don't know what to "look-for." When I meet that "someone" I'll know, yeah, people say, magazines say, books say, even my grandma tells me over the telephone, but it's something more than just knowing-- don't you think?

All I know right now is that I will never give up on love. No matter how much it brings me down, I know it's all worth the fall.

Seventh Diary #2

I will translate this one as well. I have lots of work to do! :)


 -2007, 05,01 -


주님,

벌써 일년이 지나버렸습니다.
일년동안 절 지켜보시면서 어떤 생각을 하셨을까요?
생각하기조차 부끄럽고 창피하지만, 저는 여전히
감사드릴게 너무나도 많습니다. 일년동안 저를 무지막지하게
바꿔놓은 이 교실안에서, 이런 편지를 쓰게 되는것도
처음이자 아마 마지막이 되겠죠.
이번해에 전 정말 다른 사람으로 다른 삶을 산 듯한 기분입니다.
예전의 나였으면 생각하지도, 하지도 못할 일들을
너무나도 당연한듯, 자연스럽게 할 수 있었으니까요.
항상 외롭기만 하다고 생각하던 저에게,대학 생활 삼년만에
최고의 교수님을 만나 아마도 평생동안, 제 슬픔을 나눌수 있는
누군가가 곁에 있다는 것을 느끼게 해주셨습니다.
오케스트라에 들어간다거나 계속 바이올린을 할수 있을거란
생각은 접어야 했지만, 그리고 손이 더이상 움직이질 않아
많이 울어야 했지만, 저에게 문학이라는 다른 길도 열어주셨습니다.
음악을 사랑했던 만큼, 소리를 사랑하는 만큼, 책에 쓰여있는
글씨와 단어들을 사랑하게 만들어주셨고, 그것조차 저에겐
음악이 되고, 또 다른 행복이 될수 있다는 것을 일깨워 주셨습니다.
오랬동안 친했던 친구들과 사이가 멀어졌지만, 저에게 제 자신을
돌아볼수 있는 기회를 주셨고, 제 자신을 조금더 두텁게 만드는
훈련을 시켜주셨습니다. 몸이 많이 아파 고통스러워 해야 했고,
혼자서 많이 앓기도 했지만, 모든 아픔이 끝난 뒤에만
느껴지는 성취감과, 설명하지 못할 희열같은
무언가를 저에게 안겨주셨습니다.
라디오 디제이가 하고싶었지만 될수 없다는 좌절에 빠지기도 했고,
아나운서가 하고싶었지만 부족한 자신감 때문에 허덕이던 저에게
이렇게 과분한 또 다른 문을 열어주셨습니다.
선생님이 하고 싶다며 이리저리 뛰어다니면서 
학원에서 반년동안 아이들을 가르쳤고,
과외를 하며 많은 아이들을 만나 많은 이야기를 나누면서
나보다 어린 아이들뿐만이 아닌,
어떤 사람을 사랑해야겠다 다짐하고,
미래에는 이 아이들이 원하는 어른이 되야겟다고 또 다짐했습니다.
이곳저곳 많이 돌아다니며 떠돌이 생활에 울고,
외로워했었지만, 지난 이민생활 10년동안
저 하나만을 바라보며 행복을 찾으셨던 부모님께,
부모님의 인생에, 축복받은 보금자리를 선물해 주셨습니다.
일년동안 너무 많은것들을 느끼고 배운것 같아
조금은 제 안에, 자신을 향한 믿음이 생겨나고 있는거 같습니다.
실패가 있어야만 행복을 맛볼줄 안다는 것도 피부로 느끼고,
그러니 난 포기할수 없다고 생각합니다.
벌써 대학 3년째가 끝나버렸습니다.
아무것도 해 놓은게 없다는 생각은 하지 않아야겠습니다.
이제 앞으로 저에게 다가올 기회들과 행복들을 놓치지 않으려면,
모든것에 관대해져야겠다는 생각을 해봅니다.
제 인생이 아무것도 아닌것은 아니지만,
그건 저 혼자서만이 할 수 있는것이 아니였습니다.
주님의 뜻이, 그리고 선물이 이끌어준 길이였으니까요.
오늘 3학년 마지막 시험을 끝마치고,
저는 홀가분해하지도, 기뻐하지도 우울해하지도 않습니다.
과거에 저를 무너뜨렷던 모든것들을 들쳐내면서
제 자신을 힘들게 하지도, 아프게 하지도 않으려구요.
다신 뒤를 돌아보지 않을겁니다.
하지만 제가 만약이라도 다시 쓰러지려 한다면, 잡아주세요.
무너지지 않도록, 제가 제 자신에게 힘이 될수 있도록,
그리고 제 자신을 그 어떤 누구보다 더 사랑할 수 있도록.
Dearest God, please stay with me.

처음과 같이 이제와 항상 그리고 영원히,
아멘.

Seventh Diary

This is an old diary I wrote back in 2007. I am going to translate this soontime, but rereading this again inpires me greatly to think deeply about where I am right now and how I should prepare for another quest that is to come very soon. I honestly thank God I had people who helped me through get by and encouraged me to work harder and write harder. This has shaped my intent to study literature and it will always be.

Don't forget Jennie. You were once there, you are there now. Nothing has changed, except time.


사과가 주렁 주렁 매달려 있는 사과나무가 있다.
이 밑에 가만히 누워만 있어도 줄줄히 사과가 떨어지는
사람이 있는 반면, 평생을 누워있어도 풀잎 하나 떨어지지 않는
사람이 있다. 난 이제서야 내가 후자라는 것을 피부로 느끼고 있다.

이제서야 난 다른 사람들이 누워 있을때
사과나무를 잡고 기어올라가야만 사과를 손에 넣을 수 있는
나의 '팔자' 를 받아 드릴수 있게 돼었다. 
무엇을 하던, 똑같은 일을 하는 사람들 보다 배로 노력하고
배로 정성을 쏟아야 그 사람과 똑같은 결과가
나에게 온다는 걸 알았다. 이제서야 방법을 알았다.
내 인생을 더 값지게 살 수 있는 방법.
아무리 내 노력이 지금 빛나지 못해도,
기어올라가다 떨어지고 또 떨어지고 또 엎어지더라도,
언젠간 나에게 나무를 흔들 수 있는 힘이 생길 거라는
믿음이 조금씩 생겨난다.

다른 아이들이 2틀만에 쓰는 6장짜리 에세이를
2달에 걸처서 20번 다시 써봐도 그 아이들과
똑같은 결과를 받는 내가 너무 한심했었다.
아무리 해도 내가 저 아이들을 넘을 순 없는걸까.
아무리 해도 안되는건 있는건가.

그런데 요즘엔 조금씩 생각이 바뀌고 있다.
만약 2틀만에 에세이를 쓴다 하면 그냥 낼 수도 있다.
아마 일학년 때였다면 그냥 냈을지도 모른다.
하지만 이젠 나무를 기어 올라가는 데에 재미가 붙었는지,
더 높이 올라가고 싶은 욕구가 자꾸만 생긴다.
올라가다 떨어지면 그 다음엔 조금이라도
더 높이 올라가고 싶은 욕심.
그 욕심이 지금 나를 이렇게 독하게 만들고 있는거 같다.
충분히 사과를 잡을 수 있는 상황에서도
일부로 떨어져서 다시 한번 더 기어올라 가는
내 자신을 발견하기 시작했다.

2달전부터 시작했던 에세이가 있다.
한달을 첫번째 thesis로,  일주일을 두번째 thesis와 씨름하다, 
세번째 thesis에 정착해 지금 4일째 밤을 새고 있다.
교수들이 말하는 "killing the babies" 같이 내 머릿속에서
나온 모든 것들에게 다 애착이 가고, 버리기엔 너무 아깝지만
점점 더 높은 점수, 더 기막힌 창작성,
그리고 더 thick 한 argument 를 위해 내 자신을 torture 하는
내가 느껴진다. 공부를 '잘' 하지는 못해도 '열심히' 하려하는
나에게 영문학과는 정말 최고의 과 라고 생각한다.
노력을 무시 할수 없는 공부니까.
노력이 눈으로 보이는 증거물을 내가 만들 수 있으니까.

점점 시간이 가면 갈수록 책이 좋아지기 시작한다.
책 속에 있는 캐릭터들과 대화를 나누는 나를, 온 몸와
온 머리속이 온통 단어들로 꽉 차 있는 나를 느끼기 시작했다.
그 캐릭터들과 단어들이 연못속에 비춰지는 나를 보듯
내 자신의 어떤 무언가를 깨워주기 시작했다.
하나의 '여행'을 끝마치고 돌아보면 내가 모르던
나의 어떤 한 '부분' 을 알게된다. 얼마나 값진 공부인가.
'나' 에 대해서 공부할 수 있다는게.

남들보다 못하는게 아니라,
남들보다 늦게 시작했다고 생각하고 싶다.
남들보다 늦게 시작했으니까
내가 남들보다 배로 노력해야 한다는건 당연한거라 생각한다.
그래서 난 지금 내가 처해있는 상황이 하나도 억울하지 않다.
Improvement가 하나도 보이지 않는다고 해도,
6학년때 book이라는 단어도 모르던 내가
지금은 15장짜리 에세이를 쓰고 있으니까.
50점을 받고 넌 절대 영어를 할 수 없을거라는
소리를 듣던 내가 지금은 영문학 학생으로서
하버드 대학을 졸업한 교수들과, 책을 쓰는 작가들과
졸업논문에 대해 의논하고 대화하고 있으니까.
그리고 그런 사람들에게서 인생을 배우고 나를 배우고 있으니까.
열매가 무성한 나무를 찾는 방법,
그 나무를 잡고 올라갈 수 있는 방법을 배우고 있으니까.

사과가 떨어지지 않는다 불평하던 나였지만
이제는 내가 내 손으로 사과를 딸수 있을거라고 믿는다.
열개를 한꺼번에 잡을 순 없겠지만,
단 하나라도 내 손으로 직접 닿아 얻는것이
더 소중하고 값진 '노력의 열매' 라고 믿는다. 
내 자신을 믿어야만 노력할 수 있다.
꿈이 있어야만 내 자신을 믿을 수 있다.
나의 꿈을 생각하자.
내가 하고 싶은 것에 대해 꿈을 꾸자.

난 할수 있다.


July 30, 2007. 일기

Sixth Diary- B

Not being able to find the right word forces a description to rise in my mind. Naturally, imagination comes to help me experience the word (not finding it) rather than merely stating it. I like this. Not knowing how to begin my story, I just described its difficulty, and I found it right there. So this is how it works.


I have a story. Totally excited.

I want a typewriter

Sixth Diary

A stumble is not a fall.
Remember that Jennie. You're not falling.

Leslie and Hunter

I always think about her when my mind asks me "why do I have to go through this?" Somehow thinking about Leslie and what she's done for me in my undergrad years gives me hope to push harder and energy to "just do it." I remember telling her "I don't know how to thank you enough," she told me her story and how I "can pay back by helping others who come to me with problems and questions." She is the one who reassured me for the first time that I have the ability to help others and not just ask for one.

Me and lovely Hunter. He is indescribable in words-- you just gotta meet him! There is something about babies that just lifts me up. Maybe it's their smell, maybe it's their eyes. Maybe it's just their presence, of a baby suddenly just being there, out of absolutely nowhere! I don't have to talk when I see him, but we still have a great time together. (I certainly hope he does) Hunter helped me realize that communication isn't all about talking non stop, bragging about favourite music, hobbies and life topics, rather it's all about connection. And you know when you're CONNECTING to someone when their presence is all you can see in front of your eyes, and somehow that's just enough.

Fifth Diary

Jewel
What You Are lyrics

Send "What You Are" Ringtone to your Cell

I'm driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don't stand out she thinks she'll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn't have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly

You don't have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation

"It's not supposed to be like this
You can't go first I can't handle it"
The boy said "Dad now don't you cry,
Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me when I'd ask why?"

(You'd say) Gravity is gravity
It doesn't try to pull you down
Stone is stone
It can't help but hold it's ground

The wind just blows, though you can't see
It's everywhere like I'll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough

Look in the mirror
Now that's another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell

I'd have to tell myself
"In every scene there's a perfect plan"
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn't have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough

Fourth Diary

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends. (Act v. Scene i.)

A Midsummer Night's Dream, William Shakespeare

I want Love to be there for everyone who needs it.
I wish I could remote-control it on
so that we all could just see it right in front of our eyes when we want it.
Only if it wasn't so transparent like the love juice Puck played with.
We do have to play along its trick to find it out.
Do we want to be tricked, into this world of dream and fantasies.
Do we want to get lost quite willingly, and to be manipulated,
and voluntarily disillusioned and find pleasure.
We folllow the liquid of it all to find out who our true lovers are because.
It's like it's there,
but we can't quite grasp the wonder of it.
The "shadow" of me unwillingly yields to the Clay.
This Clay, battles without power possibily (and willingly) resists to comprehend
the questions inside.
Deep inside, deep deep inside in airy space mends the killing of it all.
Deep inside.
What is dying, you tell me.

Is it just me,
or are we all just afraid to close our eyes
and feel that dripping  juice swirling all over us.
Don't tell me we're too old for love songs 
because I know a Spirit who still lives after a decade
and manages to remain in the dream of it all.  



Third Diary

"The Spirit of a warrior is not geared to indulging and complaining, nor is it geared to winning or losing. The spirit of a warrior is geared only to struggle, and every struggle is a warrior's last battle on earth. Thus the outcome matters very little to him. In his last battle on earth a warrior lets his spirit flow free and clear. And as he wages his battle, knowing that his intent is impeccable, a warrior laughs and laughs."

 --Carlos Castaneda

My dad decided to move to Canada in 1997 when I was in Grade 5. Quickly after, he (without knowing any English at all) courageously brought my mom, me and my brother here, to Toronto, and just like that our family began living in a different world, a different life. During the first few years my parents struggled a lot-- as immigrants, as parents and as human beings they tried to survive in a world which they knew nothing about. Just like all immigrants they needed to find work, or business which didn't come so easily in order to obtain a permanent residence status.

To put long story short, during the first 5-7 years of their immigrant life, they had to close down one convenience store, sell another with barely no revenue, and learn how to run a restaurant without any experience. During those years which I still clearly remember, while I was still in middle school, I was tagged along to every meeting with lawyers, dealers, bankers, and doctors as a translator and interpretor. (I remember liking it as an immature child growing up because it meant no school, having to skip classes to "help my parents" as I would say proudly to my teachers. It was a perfect excuse.) I studied words to attend these appointments with professionals, and to help my parents understand the situation they were in. 

My English was definitely not perfect, in fact, I was an ESL student until Grade 11, but somehow my help worked every single time and I remember feeling proud yet eager to be better at it. Just like that my parents became my biggest motivation to learn English and eventually study literature in university. (And to remain as an English student throughout the first two years that were not so hopeful) It was a very tough time for my parents, especially for my dad but I would always go with him, wherever he goes, and volunteer to take care of those business appointments purely because I just wanted to be close with my parents all the time.

I remember my dad telling me that he is sorry I have to see them go through such hassles and problems. I remember him teary when he had to close down his own business, telling me that he is sorry that I had to help him break down the shelves of his first convenience store. I also remember his despairing voice over the phone in 2004 when he couldn't come to see mom after her surgery in Toronto because he had to work and couldn't afford to close the store. During those years, I think my mom and my dad relied on me more than I relied on them, which is probably the same for all immigrant families anywhere in the world.

I look back now and think to myself I could never leave my parents and give up my life here and move to a foreign country like they did, all because I want to give better education to my children and I wish to give them a better life than what I have here. But my parents did and so did all those other immigrant parents. All good things come with cost, and I experienced it with my parents for 8 years of their life as immigrants. This is the reason why I call them the two bravest people I know.

When bad things happen, they seem to happen all at the same time, constantly putting you on a test after another. When good things happen, it's exactly the same. And I think that's where you have to be careful, because those good things can pass you by like a snap, and if you take them for granted, you'll be more miserable than ever after when they're gone. 

It's my dad's birthday today and I am not home to celebrate with my family. I wrote him an email telling him how I am thankful for his unconditional love and support, and everything that he's gone through to be where he is at right now. I tell him his happiness is my happiness, and his sadness is my sadness, just so he knows. He can rely on me any time, and I will be there for him one hundred percent, just like I know he is there for me the same. Not giving up was probably the hardest thing to do for both my dad and mom but they pulled through and made it. To me, that fact alone makes them the two most beautiful warriors in the world.

Second Diary

Today I decided to cook something different for fun. I think this blog-thing is making me very active, which I like, because it allows me to pay attention to little details that I do. This soup that I made today was amazing because I actually had to start from scratch and made the broth myself. I usually cook Korean dishes only, with simple recipes, things that you can make in less than 10-15 minutes. This Broccolli and Arugula Soup's recipe was found by my friend Ingrid from a blog named GOOP Newsletter--Detox. As soon as I read the title, I thought to myself, my goodness that's exactly what I need right now. DETOX.


Apparently, World English Dictionary defines the word Detox as "Treatment designed to rid the body of poisonous substances, esp alcohol and drugs." (YES. I rely on dictionary.com a lot more than you think lol) The word "poisonous substances" catches my eyes because it somehow relates to what I always try to remind myself--

Keep the good, throw away the bad.
Work on what is working out for you.


Obviously this isn't always possible. But I know that if I don't give myself atleast a small try I'm probably going to end up drowning myself in the Sea of Depression, violently choking with my hands that have touched the mix of Guilt, Regret and Self-Hatred blended with Scoop of Stress. I've been there, and you know and I know that it isn't worth losing a breath over "poisonous" ingredients like those.

(...and some healthy ingredients)

I have to admit that this soup stopped me today from reaching closer to that Sea of Depression. The process of making it, the activity of it all, actually helped me shift my focus on what I am enjoying and what I am liking at that very moment. This naturally gave me a feeling of satisfaction and thankfulness for having done something that made me happy. I've been thinking less about my future and more about my immediate life lately because just like Alicia Keys sings it, "present is a gift"-- and so is mine.

First Diary

This is my very first blog. The only thing I can say about it right now is that I love how I named it-- J-Diaries. No essay, no prospectus, no analysis, and absolutely no report. Simple day-to-day memories that I want to remember and of course, share, with my beloved friends. Special thanks to my very special friend Ingrid who inspired me to begin this great project. I decided to do this not only because I want to be a writer who can clearly portray my feelings and thoughts in words but because sometimes I deeply wish to know what my feelings and thoughts are. And you never find it out until you actually sit down and begin writing something. To me, even mumbling has its meaning.




Welcome to J-Diaries.
Love.
J