I haven't felt this in a while.
Feeling absolutely lost, no where to go, a wall blocking my way.
Before anything, Fear comes first, trying to get me while I'm panting like a pathetic swimmer.
Drowning but trying to live. Running when I'm supposed to be swimming.
No matter how fast I try to move, every step is another stone that gets in my way.
What will "one more breath, one more breath" exactly do? please tell me.
Limitation, hopelessness, disappointment and self-loathing.
I really haven't felt this in a while.
Everything means nothing.
And this scares me.

Sixteenth Diary

HOW TO FLY

-- a manual

A heart is where Dream lies its wings. With it, you are able to reach anywhere you wish to be. And with it you also obtain an advantage to fly. The only thing that matters, is that you believe in it. Believe in the truth that never sways deep in your heart.

Be aware that wings can make you fly, but it can make you fall too. But also remember that those paddles are in your hands. They are part of you.

So hold on to it, and use it well. Let the world know what is in your heart. Make them recognize your wings.

Then before you know it, you will be flying.


2007, June 8th

Fifteenth Diary

I am a crystalline world.
It is hard to blind me.
You see through me.
I allow you to see through me.
Is this opening up? Open mind?
You ask, where is the crack?
It's everywhere.
Memory floats in the air and bubbles above the hamlet in the sky.
Underneath the pebbles in the sea spread out slowly
the movement touches the surface of rocks that lay.
They are grey mixing black and white.
And everything else that is binary.
And I am yellow.
Love should not be forced.
Love is not a force that should be forced.
How should I break my story?


A diary I wrote in December.

Fourteenth Diary

The more I read stories and poetry I begin to find myself falling in love with literature and the beauty of it. I find myself conversating with characters I read. I find my head full of words floating around, flicking lights that turn me on. Each character and each word help me find something new about myself. I look into a pond, every time it reflects something  about someone I didn't know before. Beauty of literature lies in this fact, an inevitable truth, that every story is another journey to find oneself. Buy a ticket, it is your choice to ride. Who's with me?


From a diary I wrote in Korean a few years ago. Lets keep this flicking going!

Thirteenth Diary

After I quit my job at the Hotel, I have been trying very hard to stay rested. Here, the key word is "trying" because resting is not something I can do naturally. So while trying to rest, my mind has been busily occupied by thoughts and imaginations of a story, a long narrative that I am hoping to conceive in the future. Problems and troubles run in my mind because I simply have no guide, thus, no happy outcome. This has made me drop in at a Creative Writing class today that runs every monday instructed by a Poet, Victor Coleman and a Professor, Michael Boughn. They are two inspiring people who give me chances to stay engaged in literature, poetry and arts even after school. Every time I go in, I am surrounded by language that penetrates into the world of poetic endeavor, freeing me from all the restraints and anxiety I constantly inhale in my ordinary days. In this class, words of my peers and its atmosphere inspire me and somehow, without knowing what they mean I am able to indulge myself to the feel of the words. I concentrate on this idea of feeling and emotion a lot every time I talk or write because the power of feeling is like the power of air, something that we take for granted but their absence also means death, both physical and spiritual. By being with people who understand our humane thirst for poetry, stories and emotion in the lives of the contemporary, I am able to truly rest my head down and be thankful for the power of words and emotion that they bring to us inside.

This breath I take, this highly artsy-energy I take from this class is contagious and makes me want to write-- to save myself. More clearly, I wish to bring back some painful yet meaningful memories alive from my childhood and write about my parent's journey as immigrants. I have blogged about my parents when I quoted that they are the two brave warriors for making such a big decision, sacrificing their everything to come here for a better future. I wish to write to all the warriors who make decisions to migrate to another country and comfort them so that they know they are not alone. Like my parents felt once. It could be wrong to say that every pain can be cured, but it can be treated. The hardships and trauma that has led to happiness for my parents can be looked as something small and insignificant, but they also left many marks of sideburns and aftermath, which I wish to share with people who are willing to listen. I believe in the healing power of literature, that stories can move a human mind by allowing an emotional sensation to take place in the heart. Through this emotional rollarcoaster, we are bound to find ourselves in a much happier state, also able to find acceptance and contentment in the world we, once quite willingly created. And this is what I wish to save by writing my story.

I am thankful that I have mentors who are willing to guide me through this rollarcoaster ride. I am thankful that I have a goal, and that Victor and Leslie was sitting right there beside me, at Harbord House bar today at 9:00p.m. Leslie holding my hand, and Victor giving me hope to strive towards it. This is a life-long dream that I begin as an amateur, both in writing and life, but it's okay because I'm living it, and in my dictionary the word Living means Growing.

Twelfth Diary

I can let go of every anger, disappointment, flaw, fear and problem
when I imagine that today might be my last day to live here on earth.


This very thought gives me shivers.
And gives me a reason to simply let go.

It is okay.
I don't have to dwell.

Eleventh Diary

Because you're not alone

and I'm always there with you

and we'll get lost together

until the light comes pouring through

so when you feel like you're done

and the darkness has won

baby you're not lost

baby you're not lost

"Lost", Michael Buble

When you feel like you have noone to talk to, When light has been turn down and you have absolutely no guide to walk you through, When the path shows that you'll be walking through an uphill that neverends,There's no better time to begin loving.

Loving yourself, loving people that love you, and loving life that is yours.

I have confidence in me. Sometimes it is hard to recognize, but I feel it inside. I know that the time is here for me to endure, so that I will be better prepared to love myself better.

I needed a break from myself, but I learnt that there is no way that I will never escape from me. Who I am, what I feel inside do matter. What I am, what I am capable of doing, I know. 
I always looked for something that will give me the "confidence" to do what I wanted to do-- to become successful in school, work, and even in relationships. But more I looked for it, the more I got lost. The more I'm lost, I found myself losing literally everything-- myself and I.

From now on I will work on myself even harder. I will work on becoming generous towards who I am.  I will accept, and not fight against what I do, what I think and what I feel. And most importantly, I will work on making myself happy. I thought spending time away from people will help me feel better, but I realized that it will never work. I need that drive, motivation, inspiration from everything that I love. As vague as it sounds, love is everything and is everywhere. I just needed to accept and open my eyes to see it.

I will never run away.